Dolphin conspiracy theory and poisonous cheese theory.
Max explains that dolphins are only kept from becoming the all-seeing lords of the world because humans were installed as cameras and regulators — a case that somehow runs through algae on Mars. Then cheese is poisonous because it's rotten milk, Febreze must never share a house with it, and ceiling fans break because primordial beings mistake the spinning for teleportation. Episode one, with Nolan and Ebin.
If you have cheese, you shouldn't use Febreze.
Listen to the recording
Nolan, Max, and Ebin recorded an episode for ShitMaxSays.com featuring a series of comedic “theories,” ranging from dolphins as hidden planetary overlords to cheese being “poisonous,” plus rapid-fire ideas about fans, dinosaurs/spoons, and trees. The only concrete outcomes were plans to add donation functionality and add a downloadable “initiative” page on the site; no owners or timelines were confirmed.
Participants & Context - Nolan (Speaker 1) - Max (Speaker 2) - Ebin (Speaker 3) - Context: “Episode one” recording for ShitMaxSays.com; Blanka (their dog) briefly discussed as being okay.
Theory Set 1: Dolphins / Mars / “Regulators” - Max’s core premise: humans function as “cameras and regulators” to prevent dolphins from becoming “all-seeing lords of the world.” - Supporting claims discussed: - Dolphins are portrayed as smarter than humans; references to dolphins interacting with pufferfish and river dolphins with snakes (mentioned as “heard off YouTube”). - Mars thread: suggestion that Mars had water, with mention of “algae on Mars” that “suffocates the other animals,” and a narrative tying dolphins/pufferfish origins to Mars. - Nolan adds: a “higher organization” interfacing with humans via the subconscious during sleep; suggestion that not sleeping “awakens” intelligence.
“Action Plan” Ideas Mentioned In-Conversation (Non-Operational) - Proposed sequence in the discussion: - “Get rid of the algae” (framed as a “first step”). - “Bring back the pufferfish.” - Other statements included harmful/violent content and were part of the episode’s shock-humor thread; they did not translate into concrete, owned follow-ups.
Website / Funding - ShitMaxSays.com plans discussed: - Add ways to donate in “coming updates,” with an ask of at least $5. - They stated they are “incredibly broke,” have no jobs, and are covering ongoing costs of “at least 30 bucks a month.” - Plan to add another page that can be downloaded “on how to take initiative” (no implementation details, owner, or date provided).
Theory Set 2: Cheese / Dairy / Febreze - Claim: cheese is “poisonous” because it’s “rotten milk.” - Discussion points: - Skepticism about “officials”/public figures; claim that incentives push people to eat cheese. - Febreze note: Nolan asserts Febreze “interacts with the cheese,” concluding: if you have cheese, you shouldn’t use Febreze (Max echoes this, with some confusion).
Theory Set 3: Water Preferences - “Worst water” discussion: - Max dislikes Fiji water (associates it with snobbery/expense). - Nolan dislikes Arrowhead (says it tastes like minerals); Max says he likes it.
Theory Set 4: Fans / Teleporters - Max claims fans break when held because “primordial beings” think the spinning indicates teleportation and “break it.” - Nolan counters: it breaks because the wood can’t hold body weight; Max reasserts his explanation.
Rapid-Fire Theories / Closing - “Dinosaurs never used spoons.” - “Trees secretly smoke opium.” - Brief mention of “cat food secretly is made…” (cut off). - They ended with “Episode one done.”
Action items - Add donation options to ShitMaxSays.com in coming updates. - Add a downloadable page to the website “on how to take initiative.”
Transcript
[0:00] Nolan: All right, guys. We're joined with Max and Ebin and then me, Nolan. And Max will be doing one of his theories for ShitMaxSays.com. Are you guys ready? Max? Yeah. Ebin? Yep. All right, Max. What's your theory?
[0:15] Max: So my real theory is something that I tried sharing with people. And every time I shared them, I would get sent to the little book room at my school with all the toys. And that was really sad because these slaves of the thoughts of your mind really need to hear this. The humans as a whole... Are cameras meant to... Ebin!
[0:47] Max: Hey, Ebin, why are you laughing? Look at his face.
[0:51] Ebin: My face is not that bad looking.
[0:54] Max: I'm sorry. His face is just too funny.
[0:56] Max: Humans as a whole are cameras and regulators to make sure dolphins don't become the all-seeing lords of the world.
[1:02] Ebin: Regulators.
[1:07] Max: Okay. So if you really think about it, like, dolphins are probably much smarter than us. You know, there's this book out there. And, like, you know, this book, I don't know who made it. So it must be, like, made from a divine person. And in that book, it says that dolphins are the smartest things on Earth. Okay? Think about it. Dolphins will play with pufferfish and get high off them. And then they will go around going, what's up, dude? Yeah, we just don't know that because we're not underwater. Wait, wait. I don't think dolphins can speak. Well, you don't know that.
[1:40] Ebin: Well, you don't either, because you never go in the water. You were afraid to touch the dolphin. No.
[1:44] Max: Yeah, because the dolphins are all seeing, and they're going to blaze you to death. Yeah, yeah. The dolphins are all seeing. Like, think about river dolphins. Like, they'll play with snakes as, like, jump ropes. Oh, they use...
[1:55] Nolan: They use their mind.
[1:56] Max: They use their mind, yeah. They're like... They're like Professor X. And like, if you really think about it, the entire reason we are here on this planet is to regulate, like, the dolphins, like, growing. Like, think about it. Dolphins are just like rabbits. They fuck all the time. And they're always gonna be- And they're always going to reproduce. So, like, humans, they were born with not very smart minds, but very quick-growing minds, okay? And that's how we made a thing. And we entrapped them all, and we're killing them off by ruining the planet. And, you know, that's going to... And that's going to make it so the dolphins slowly die out. Because if you really think about it, dolphins as a species are like space Adolf Hitler.
[2:42] Max: They enslaved all the species on the solar system and then another higher species and cast them into the waters of this planet.
[2:50] Nolan: And we're like...
[2:51] Max: And we're like their cockpockets.
[2:52] Nolan: Yeah, no, I agree. Yeah, I agree. But it's not like we're told to defend against these dolphins. But you know our subconscious is how we sleep? I really think there's a higher organization checking up on us to our subconscious while we sleep. And secret guidelines and regulations placed behind us.
[3:13] Max: I mean, have you ever littered, Moon?
[3:15] Nolan: I have never littered. You are a liar.
[3:17] Max: You just don't remember.
[3:19] Nolan: Oh, you are right.
[3:20] Max: Okay, because littering is an innate thing that every human does because these primordial species turned us into a massive condom for... for... for... the... for what hurts what are the swimming dolphins for the dolphins sorry and we're like a massive condom for them and we're stopping them from growing because like think about it we take away all the resources on the land and we pollute the earth until we all die and then we'll have our surface done because we're killing off all space adolf hitler's aka dolphins Like, if you really think about it, what do dolphins hate most? Pufferfish and snake, because they kill them. River dolphins kill snakes. Wait. And sea dolphins get high off pufferfishes.
[4:09] Ebin: Why do dolphins hate snakes if snakes never go in the water?
[4:13] Max: Well, river dolphins will see snakes and they'll pick them up and, like, play with them.
[4:17] Ebin: But if they play with them, like, if they hate them so much, why would they play with them?
[4:21] Max: Because that's usually them throwing them into the air and killing them. Oh, okay. Which is what I heard off YouTube. And maybe on, like, planets like Mars and maybe on the moon, I mean the moon, like... Mars. Yeah, on Mars. Maybe there's, like, a species of pufferfish and they all put them into, like...
[4:45] Ebin: There's a species of algae on Mars that suffocates the other animals on it.
[4:49] Max: Yeah, maybe. And maybe the... Maybe the dolphins maybe put them there to kill all the pufferfish species off and turn their homeland into a massive concentration camp, slowly killing them off. You know, like, I think the dolphins were really fucked up people. And, you know, I think if we see another dolphin, like, dolphins are known as, like, oh, so pretty, so majestic creatures. I see right through that. Like, you know, I really think they're fucking awful creatures that deserve death.
[5:17] Nolan: I actually agree with that. I think, honestly... What we need to do right now, I think we've got to do actions about this, guys. Ebin, what's your actions? We go to Mars. No.
[5:29] Ebin: We get rid of the algae that suffocates the other animals. That's how we first start the first step.
[5:34] Max: Yeah, and then we bring back the copperfish.
[5:36] Nolan: That actually makes sense, yeah.
[5:38] Max: And then we just drop a bunch of oil into the ocean. I think that's right.
[5:44] Nolan: A couple car batteries. Yeah, like a cup of coffee. Also, guys, we will be, for shitmaxsays.com, we will be putting ways to donate in the coming updates. In the coming updates, yeah. And we really expect you guys, if you guys like this a lot, at least $5, guys. Yeah, at least $5. We are incredibly broke. We are investing money into this, and we really need donations, guys.
[6:08] Max: We are so broke that we're, like, crying in the cellars.
[6:11] Nolan: And, like, if you like these theories, so, like, If you guys pay, if you guys don't pay, we might not make it. And if you guys pay, we probably will make it, okay? In total, we're not paying that much money, but we are paying a lot of money that we don't really have a way to make money. We don't have jobs. No, we don't. This is our job. Yeah, we are putting money into this. It's like at least $30 a month. Yeah.
[6:48] Max: okay okay now like now that we have told us and shared our stories to people we are gonna add another page on our website that on how to take initiative that you can download and how to take initiative and it will give you full complete classes on how to kill off the dolphins and how to remove the algae on mars how to remove the algae on mars yes that will suffocate all the other animals yeah and also we're gonna show you guys how to stick a stick up through your eye socket and hit directly one of the parts of your brain that turns off the controls to your brain that makes it so you can actually see the dolphins and that you can see that they're actually mech that they're actually dolphin hitlers and they're all wearing little dolphin armbands and shit
[7:37] Max: And, you know, I know there's a lot of people out there that have also, like, had experiences like this. And, you know, you're not alone. And, you know, you can join our cause. And, you know, you can help, like, people know. And you can help kill off the dolphins and save the puffer fish.
[7:56] Nolan: All right, let's get back on track.
[7:58] Max: No, let's get back on track.
[7:59] Nolan: Okay.
[8:00] Max: After all that sad talk.
[8:02] Nolan: Does anyone have anything to add? Should we try to move on to a different thing? Wait, wait.
[8:09] Ebin: The first, the most important step to getting rid of dolphins is to infuriate them.
[8:14] Max: Yeah.
[8:14] Ebin: With the algae. Getting rid of the algae. That is true. That's the first step.
[8:18] Max: They'll show signs of intelligence once you get rid of the algae.
[8:20] Nolan: Yeah, because they'll be infuriated.
[8:22] Max: Yeah.
[8:22] Nolan: Because they actually need to use their intelligence now, right? Yeah.
[8:25] Max: And think about it. It makes sense that all the pufferfish and dolphins originated from Mars. Because you all have heard the theories that Mars is full of water at some point.
[8:35] Ebin: um that's why there's still leftover algae except it's the opposite since you know how it's dry that means it suffocates instead of giving oxygen like earth since there's water on earth yeah also you know um
[8:46] Max: You know, like Adolf Hitler probably wasn't descended of some sick fuck that inbred the dolphin. And that's how Adolf Hitler was born.
[8:56] Nolan: Definitely. That makes sense. But also, I just thought about this, right? If you guys want, because there's definitely some kind of regulations in your sleep, right? Because there's a subconscious and there's definitely a higher being trying to interface with your thoughts. While you sleep. And I think maybe a way to... Because I think people who don't get sleep are actually awakened. They've awakened to another state of being. Yeah. So I think a way you guys can help is to get more intelligence. Don't sleep, guys. Stop sleeping. Don't sleep.
[9:29] Max: Sleeping is dangerous. Remember, you also don't need to be an enlightened being to help out with the cause. Because remember, the people that put us here wanted us to be a massive condom for the fish Adolf Hitlers. So really, if you think about it, just living our life and being awful people and not respecting the environment is the best thing you can possibly do. Because we don't want these fish Adolf Hitlers walking around.
[9:56] Nolan: We really don't. These fish Adolf Hitlers need to go.
[10:03] Max: Anybody else have anything to add?
[10:04] Nolan: No, I don't.
[10:05] Max: I mean, should we move on to the next thing?
[10:07] Nolan: Cheese is poisonous.
[10:08] Max: Cheese is poisonous?
[10:10] Nolan: Yeah, cheese is definitely poisonous.
[10:12] Max: I mean, if you think about it, where does cheese come from? It comes from the mommy milkers of cows. That was weird. I shouldn't have said that.
[10:20] Nolan: No, no, no, you're correct.
[10:21] Ebin: You are correct. And then they make it rotten.
[10:24] Nolan: And then they make it rotten.
[10:26] Ebin: They pasteurize it by making the milk rotten, which turns it, and then we eat it.
[10:30] Max: It's rotten milk that we eat. It's disgusting. And you know, I think the only milk, I don't think we should be drinking anything that comes from somebody's, like... others others yeah i don't want to drink anything from others that's why i only drink water they say eating cheese gives you dopamine but is it really dopamine if it's like like the officials saying this the officials could be they always like people like elon musk they're always lying they want you to eat cheese so they can fund spacex so they can go put more coral onto the onto the mars
[11:03] Nolan: Consuming liquids from other species udders might be a different way to connect your being with their being and to interface with your ideas and thoughts. Guys, stop eating cheese and dairy. And don't use Febreze either.
[11:19] Ebin: No, Febreze is really good. No, it interacts with the cheese. If you have cheese, you shouldn't use Febreze.
[11:24] Max: Oh yeah, if you have cheese, you shouldn't use Febreze.
[11:26] Ebin: But like, if you don't have cheese, you can still use it.
[11:28] Max: Yeah, if you don't have cheese, you shouldn't.
[11:32] Nolan: Blanca's just having some fun.
[11:34] Max: Okay. She looks like she's having a stroke.
[11:38] Nolan: Oh no, she's just playing around. Okay. Blanca's our dog, by the way.
[11:43] Max: Yeah, it's the beautiful little puppy.
[11:46] Ebin: Definitely not a captured human. Yeah, no, Blanca's not a... Make sure we don't have cheese. Okay, guys, what is the worst water?
[11:57] Max: What is the worst water? I fucking hate Fiji because whenever I see somebody fucking drinking Fiji water, it makes me feel like... I love Arrowhead.
[12:08] Ebin: Arrowhead tastes like minerals.
[12:09] Max: I love that. I hate it. It tastes like science water. I hate it.
[12:12] Ebin: It tastes like minerals.
[12:13] Max: Yeah, but those fucking snobs that drink Fiji water, I hate them because it makes me feel like I'm an inferior being and they have enough fucking money to spend $5 on a water bottle.
[12:24] Ebin: Look, what if my name was Kirk? What would you do?
[12:27] Max: You would be dead and shot.
[12:29] Ebin: I have to take a shit.
[12:30] Max: You should go take a shit.
[12:32] Nolan: We're back. All right.
[12:33] Max: Well, I mean, I think we're... pretty much done with this episode to be honest no no no we're not here a theory okay well i think another thing people need to know is that really fans you know fans right you know fans like yeah you know fans like if you hold on to one of them it's gonna break but you but you think like physics would make it so it wouldn't break like why would the wood break It's because they're spinning, and, like, that makes it so, like, the primordial beings see you spinning so fast, and they think that's how, like, that's how their teleports work. Max, I keep getting a little insane. It breaks because they think that you're teleporting, but you're actually just hanging onto the fan.
[13:15] Nolan: No, it breaks because the wood is weak. No, it breaks. It can't hold your body weight.
[13:20] Max: No, it breaks. Well, no, the wood can't hold your body weight. It's just the primordial beings break it because they see you spinning in circles really fast, and they think you're teleporting. That's how they're teleporting.
[13:30] Nolan: Are all, like, resources finite? And the only reason some things break easier than others is because they can really gauge your abilities better and, like, really... Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yes, yes, it's true.
[13:43] Max: Are we just a language? Are we just a language? Can I drink this?
[13:47] Nolan: Yeah, you can drink that. Bottle flip. He made it. He made it.
[13:53] Max: Yeah, I did make it. I totally did it. All right.
[13:56] Nolan: Let's talk about something else. Different theory. That's like our fourth theory. I'm sure it's never used spoons.
[14:00] Max: Yeah, they didn't. They really didn't.
[14:02] Nolan: They really didn't.
[14:03] Max: They really did not. You know, I think they probably used something called like...
[14:10] Ebin: Trees secretly smoke opium. That makes sense. That actually makes sense.
[14:16] Max: You know, like, I think instead of, like, scuba suits or space suits, they're doing all this complex stuff when really what they need to do is just put, like, a little tree inside their space helmet and then they can breathe.
[14:28] Ebin: No, instead of using suits, they just need to biologically enhance their own body. Uh-huh. Because, like, for underwater, you don't want to crash under your own body weight, under the weight of the water. You can't just put a tree to that to make you... No one's creating a dark fountain.
[14:46] Max: Nolan, what was that? Stop stepping on my foot.
[14:50] Nolan: Is this the end of the episode? No, we're still going. I think once it's 50 minutes, that's going to be the end. Okay, so cat food secretly is made. Well, guys, yeah, this is just one episode. Cat food is secretly made.
[15:00] Max: Episode one done. Episode one done. Okay, goodbye. Yeah.